When it comes to emotions, I have traditionally been very closed off. This isn’t a criticism, but I think it has a lot to do with the kind of environment I was raised in. I was often regarded by my parents as a “tomboy” and was definitely treated with a “you’ll be fine” attitude if I was crying, for example. No, this post isn’t going to be a rant about how bad my childhood was, because it wasn’t, but I think it’s a fair point to make. What this has done for me in my adult relationships was made me a bit more standoffish. Maybe that’s not the right word. I guess it put me in a place where I wasn’t able to be there emotionally for my partners, and in return, I didn’t want that either.
It’s taken me a while, and a heck of a lot of counseling to be able to see that in order to get close to someone you have to be willing to be vulnerable. In order to be vulnerable, you have to open up, to your partner. In order to open up to your partner, you have to be willing to look at some hard truths. None of this is easy. In fact, it can be incredibly painful, but if you want to have a great and loving relationship, then you have to be willing to put in the hard work.
What seems to have occurred now is I have completely gone in the other direction. Now I have all kinds of emotions. Emotions that I’m not sure I ever felt in my life. Which can be a bad thing, but when I think about one emotion – love, I wonder if having too much of it for another person is a bad thing. More specifically, can we love someone too much? I have been having a lot of really strong feelings for my partner, especially as things become more serious between us. In past relationships, I would have pumped the breaks. I would have done something to sabotage the relationship and make him leave. And while I’ve done that, he hasn’t left. Which has made me love him even more.
Now I’m faced with a situation about whether loving someone too much is actually a problem. Or am I just wanting to make this a problem because that’s what I do? If there’s one thing that we could use more of in this world is love. Why do I say that? Well, as I sat in traffic tonight, I thought of all the things that I could be doing, which would be a better use of my time. But instead of getting upset about it, I found myself smiling at people in other cars. Why? Because I’m happy in life. What’s even more insane about this is that I’ve had a horrible day and all I wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed. But instead of embracing the rage that I felt earlier in the day, I found myself smiling.
What does this have to do with my relationship? I think that loving someone in a true and genuine way, makes you realize what is important in life. The small things matter less. Sitting in traffic for 2 hours doesn’t matter because your heart is filled with love for another human being. Which is why I don’t think you can ever love someone too much. How you chose to show your love is different entirely, but you can never have too much love in your heart.