What drives desperation? From a relationship perspective, we feel that a relationship will solve all our problems and make us happy. Right? Well… that’s what your over bearing Tiger Mom and society would have you believe. But all it does is drive us to the point of desperation. From a woman’s perspective, think of it this way: You’re in your 30s. You think your uterus is drying up. No one out there is going to want to fall in love with and have babies with someone as old as you are. Definitely not with that attitude.
Now lets look at it from a different angle: You’re in your 20s and loving life. You’re in your prime. Everything is great. You know you want to find a partner and settle down, but being too eager comes across as desperate. It’s a no-win for women. We either demonstrate our willingness to find a partner early on, or we wait for what’s left when we’re in our 30s. Thus, putting us in a situation to become stage 5 clingers. Or at least to give off that perception. But is it always our fault? Or are men misleading just enough to let us think there is something more?
Men love attention. And I mean love it. If any man out there tells you otherwise, he is lying. They want to be the ones to do the rejecting. It seems that it’s easier for men to put their feelings aside and act coy. Women, from a stereotypical standpoint, cannot. If a woman meets a guy and she thinks they click, she will want to go out on a date with him again. Women are planners, and will want to lock those dates in. Men think less about the future and more about the here and now. Now, the intention of this post is not to give you my opinion on men, but rather to talk about women becoming desperate.
I literally hate to think of the term. I’ve been there. I’m sure most of us have. It has such negative connotations associated with it. I think it’s easy to stereotype women into the category of desperate, but I’m sure men can be as well. That being said, women, this is my advice to you.
- Be Confident.
Listen, ladies. You know what you’re working with. You know you’re beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring etc. The list is literally endless. So make sure he knows that. Without becoming cocky. Being confident in who you are goes a long way. Men like to know that their woman isn’t changing to become someone you think they want. Because in a few years, when you change back to your old self, they aren’t going to be happy. Confidence isn’t always easy to come by. Especially if you’ve been in any kind of situation where you were emotionally abused. Or if you’ve lacked self confidence in general. We all go through these spells from time to time. The trick is to not let it get us down. From a desperation perspective appearing confident goes a long way when it comes to keeping your cool.
- Live Your Life
Most of us don’t wait by the phone any more, but we do other things. Check his Facebook or Twitter accounts to see if he’s posted anything today. To give us a glimpse into what he might be doing today. Stop it. The minute you decide that you are going to live your life for you, he will call/text or whatever.
- Clingy is not sexy.
Guys always complain about the stage 5 clingers. And even from a female perspective, I’ve been there. Regardless of what your gender is, we all need space. And the last thing we want from a dating relationship is someone to be in our faces all the time. Cool your heels. Calling 8 times a day isn’t going to make him want you any more. It might drive him away. It’s 2017, and I don’t want to discourage women from making the first move, but maybe play hard to get. Make him wait a little while before calling him back or responding to his text message. Don’t play games, but you don’t always have to be available for him.
- Brains are sexy.
I personally love a guy who is smart. And not just book smart, but someone who is good at problem solving. Or who is able to explain something to me in a way that isn’t “man-splaining”. And I think the true can be said about females. Guys like a woman who knows a thing or two. Don’t be afraid to show off your intellect. If it scares him away, he wasn’t the one for you anyway.
- No Labels.
Guys don’t like to be labelled. Especially early on in the relationship. Again, we women like to plan. Well, maybe that’s just me. I like to know where something is going. Or what we are to each other. I find it awkward when you are talking to a co-worker, lets say, and you just don’t know how to refer to your partner. Maybe you’re just dating, so do you say “the guy I’m dating”? Or the “guy I’m seeing”? It implies that there is no commitment, and maybe makes you look like you’re playing the field. If it’s farther along in the relationship, do you say boyfriend? I’m in my 30s and that feels weird. A good friend of mine likes to say “gentleman caller”, but that sounds like he’s paying me for sex. Labels are a no win for anyone. Stick with friend.
- Over Analyzing is Creating Your Own Purgatory.
Ok… I am the worst for over analyzing. But I stopped that last year when I started dating again. I didn’t have the energy to analyze every word that was ever spoken to me. I found that being up front and honest about what I was expecting out of that relationship killed that for me. That’s not to say that I don’t over analyze in my current relationship. But in my defense, I studied policy analysis in university. So it’s drilled into my brain. The hard part for most women is that we tend to analyze everything he has said to us. But you can’t. There are two scenarios that could play out here. 1) He’s saying things he doesn’t mean, or 2) He’s saying exactly what he means. Either way, reading into it is going to drive you crazy.
While I think that some women can blur the line between interested and desperate. I also think that men give mixed signals. I once dated a guy who was super into me. Or who appeared to be super into me.. and then the ghosting started. I went through all of these scenarios. We had plans for the following weekend, but we hadn’t set a time or place. Three days later I got a message from him saying that he was out of the country. I’m not sure that I believe him, but I probably appeared desperate to him. I over analyzed everything that went down the previous weekend. I stewed in it.. and all for nothing. We did go out the next weekend, but not again after that.
Ladies, we have to stand up for ourselves. We have a history of being pigeon holed into these roles that might not actually be true. Or even remotely true. It might seem like men can get away with anything, but we also have to stand up for ourselves and demonstrate that we aren’t like that. Even when we want to be. I find myself going through a phase where I am trying to break some bad behavioral habits. But it’s hard. It’s easy to remain the same and never change. It’s easy not to put effort into ourselves, but that won’t let us grow. And it certainly won’t help us to find a relationship.. if that’s even what you want.
Society places a lot of emphasis on how a woman should act. Especially in a relationship. Keep your head up, and be yourself. Get to know yourself better. Figure out what you want in life and in relationships. The most frustrating part about dating is not necessarily wondering what he’s thinking… but knowing whether or not you actually want the relationship.