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What Do You Do When You Find Out That You’re the Side Chick?

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Have you ever been in a situation where you find out the guy that you’re “seeing” is in a relationship?  And the excuse that he gives when you find out is that “you didn’t ask”?  If so, you’re not alone.  This speaks volumes about the guy, but it also speaks volumes to what your “relationship” actually is.  I’m not saying its your fault.  At all.  But defining your relationship isn’t a bad thing.  Guys don’t want to do that, but at least establishing that it’s exclusive or not will definitely help you in the long run.  I have to ask the question, though – who’s responsibility is it?  Should the girl have to ask?  Or should the guy be straight with her about what’s happening in his life?

I feel bad for both women in this instance.  Neither one of you knows about the other, and you’re the ones who are going to get hurt in this scenario.  So why do it guys?  My big problem with relationships is when one partner isn’t honest with the other  partner.  Regardless of what it’s about, and even how much it hurts.  I have said time and time again – I would rather be hurt than lied to.  I would rather have my feelings hurt, than to know that my partner is lying to me.  Truth helps build your relationship in terms of trust.

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Let me paint a picture for you.  You meet a guy in a place where you meet prospective partners.  I’m thinking an online dating app, or a club.  Do people meet other people at clubs any more?  You exchange numbers, and start chatting.  Maybe he isn’t overly forward in the flirting department.  Which is ok, because you just think he’s shy.  This goes on for a few months.  You seem to be hanging out more as friends, and then somewhere, somehow you find out.  Maybe you run into them at the mall.  Or see them out for dinner.  Again, you thought he was just shy and that make him more appealing.  But now you’re wondering who he’s with, and you jump to conclusions.  In this case, the conclusions are correct.

So who’s responsibility is it to identify that there’s another person in this “relationship”.  Obviously his.  Ladies, don’t let him tell you otherwise.  Even if you’re hanging out with someone as friends, it should come up over the course of a few months, that he’s got a girlfriend.  You not asking is not an excuse.  He needs to tell you straight up.  But some guys don’t because they want to see if there is something out there that’s “better”.  Which I can appreciate if you’re in a bad relationship.  But if you’re just looking around, shame on you!  Choosing not to share about your relationship is a lie of omission. It’s also not letting the single person make an informed decision about what they want to do.

I’m not saying this is necessarily something you should do, and I reserve the right to put a ton of asterisks next to this statement.  However, if he is straight up with you about his relationship, he is giving you the ability to make the decision on your own.  So if you decide to get together with him, even if he’s in a relationship, that’s on you.  Well… both of you, but at least you have a part in this relationship.  If he doesn’t tell you, that’s on him, and he’s a dog.  I joke about that last part.  I prefer honest in relationships.  Regardless of what that means, or what that looks like.  I want to be part of the decision on whether I stay or leave.  I don’t want that choice taken away from me.

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