Fighting is a natural part of a relationships. But what you fight about says a lot about the future of your relationship. We can all become jealous when there’s no reason to be. We can all get easily irritated at things that our partners can’t help. And we all get the desire to be downright selfish sometimes. What we need to be able to do is keep these petty thoughts and feelings to ourselves, in order to have a stable and healthy relationship. Otherwise, you’re headed for disaster. But, that’s easier said than done. Some couples are better at recognizing when to “choose your battles”. If you plan on being with tihs person for a long time, you will have to realize that the petty things don’t even matter. Especially when it comes to finances and kids. If you fight about these things, well, then your relationship is doomed.
When Exactly He Calls
If he said he would call at 11:30, and it’s 11:45 and he hasn’t, are you going to make a big deal about it? Or are you going to chalk it up to him being busy/caught up in something. The chances are he got caught up with work, or he was only able to take a quick lunch break due to the amount of work that he has. Life happens. People lose track of time. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care.
Are You Even Listening?
If you spend a lot of time with your partner, he won’t be able to be 100% dialed in all of the time. He will have other things on his mind, besudes you. Which is just normal, isn’t it? So if you catch him distracted while you’re talking, you should say “I can tell you’re distracted – let me know when it’s a good time to talk”. But not in a snarky way. Let him know you understand that he’s distracted, but what you have to say is important to you, so you can pick it up later when he’s got some time.
Not Taking an Interest
Chances are, your partner isn’t going ot be interested in every hobby or interest that you have. Do you genuinely care about all of his? That’s also unlikely. But some couples argue and insist their partners should attend every movie, lecture and conference together on either of their interests. That’s not reality. And it will only force your partner to pretend to be engaged when he isn’t. Or worse, not want to be in this kind of relationship. It’s better to accept that your partner isn’t interested in your hobby and do it without him, than to force him to fake it. Or force him to leave.
Do you and your partner argue relentlessly about which restaurant to go to? Or which movie you want to see? Which is incredibly petty. Your partner is going to watch movies that he doesn’t want to watch on occasion. So it’s only fair that you do the same. And besides, you might be surprised that you actually like it! Is the activity so important? Or is it more important to be spending time with your partner? For me, it’s about quality time, so where we go or what we watch doesn’t bother me.
Bringing Up Past Relationships
This one can be difficult for anyone. You both had lives before meeting. And those lives likely involved other relationships. It’s natural to feel a little jealous when this comes up. But to be angry is just petty. Your partner shouldn’t have to hide the fact that you’re not the first person he’s dated. But if your partner is constantly bringing up past relationships, then it might become an issue. Talk about it and figure out what’s going on. Staying away from the green eyed monster is extremely difficult, but you can do it.
Being Best Friends with His Friends
Your partner is going to have some friends you’re not crazy about. You’re going to have some friends he’s not crazy about. But to expect one another to become best friends with all of your friends is unrealistic. And it’s setting yourselves up for some major fights. All you can ask is that your partner be respectful of your friends. But if you get angry every time he doesn’t want to attend brunch with you and the friend he doesn’t like, you’re asking for trouble.
Talking About the Future
If one of you doesn’t want to talk about hte future, and that always causes a fight, that’s not a good sign. It really just isn’t a good sign if one or both people don’t want to discuss the future. It usually means they don’t see a future with their current partner. Sorry, if that’s harsh. But it is likely the truth. And none of us want to admit that.
Every couple bickers about cleanliness. Who hasn’t scolded their partner for ditry underwear that’s been left on the floor? But healthy couples understand that the underwear doesn’t represent anything. They don’t let it anger them in the same way that something worse would – like lying or infidelity. Weak couples get into full-blown brawls over cleanliness issues. But cleanliness really shouldn’t warrant that degree of anger. If it does, there are deeper issues at work.
How He Spends His Down Time
Down time is precious and should not be judged. But couples certainly do judge eachother on how they spend their downtime on occasion. So what if your partner wants to spend his downtime playing video games? Even if it’s not how you would spend your time, that’s ok. Strong couples who really love each other don’t judge one another for how they relax. They just let them relax.
Small Amounts of Money
When you know, deep down, that you’re going to spend your life with somebody, you do not care if he ever pays you back for a pack of gym or a cup of coffee. In fact, you don’t even keep track of these little purchases. If, however, your partner not paying you back for that cup of coffee leaves you teeming with anger, you’re probably not going to make it.
Who Cleaned What and When
Healthy, strong couples don’t keep score or try to prove that one is the “better” partner. The moment you start keeping score, you’ve stopped viewing the two of you as a unit and you’ve started looking at this as you versus him.
Lack of PDA
If your partner never shows you affection in public, then, I’m sorry to say it, but your relationship might be headed to a break up. So, naturally, if you often fight about the fact that he won’t show you affection in public, then things aren’t looking too hopeful.
Lack of Compliments
If you’re complaining that your partner doesn’t compliment you enough it’s either because he doesn’t, or you’re insecure and demand a lot of attention. Neither of those is conducive to a relationship that’s going to last. If your partner isn’t paying you complements, he doesn’t appreciate you, or he just isn’t that into you. On the flip side, if you’re deeply insecure, you may never feel satisified in a relationship. So it might be time to work on that.
Having Friends of the Opposite Sex
If you trust your partner, his female friends shouldn’t be an issue. If his female friends do bother you, that’s because you know he isn’t trust worthy, or you’re deply insecure. It’s very hard for a relationship to last under these conditions.
Not Consulting Before Scheduling
You are both busy adults. Which means it can be very difficult to hop on the phone every time one of you is invited on a trip or to a dinner or concert. Inevitably you’ll wind up saying “yes” for the both of you to do something your partner didn’t agree with. Or he’ll do this for you. Or you’ll make plans on a night you didn’t realize your partner had something else planned for the two of you. But don’t fight about it. Figure out a way that this doesn’t always happen. Easier said than done, I realize, but its the only way to have a happy relationship.