friends with benefits

friends with benefits

After my last serious relationship, I went through a phase where I just wanted to date.  My definition of dating, and others vary slightly, so I’ll try to explain it in the most politically correct way that I know how.  I was interested in situations where I didn’t have to enter into a relationship with the other person – I wasn’t ready.  I couldn’t commit to small things in my life, so I knew I couldn’t commit to having a boyfriend.  I was hoping to casual encounters.  Which, looking back, maybe wasn’t the best thing.  I would like to say that it’s extremely difficult to have a friends with benefits type situation with someone.  The reason, in my opinion is that someone always catches feelings.

In most cases, it seems to be the female who catches feelings.  This isn’t always the case, but it seems to be.  I’m not trying to sound sexist or stereotypical in anyway.  Women are wired differently than men.  It was that reason that I felt a bit odd because I felt more like a man than a woman.  I literally had no feelings for people, other than wanting to get something out of the situation.  Which was mutually beneficial.  I did feel bad for those guys who truly wanted something more.  So I tried to steer clear of them, so as not to break their hearts.  I guess I had some feelings, but that was the extent of it.

I am also extremely direct.  It comes across as harsh.  Or at least that’s what I’ve been told.  In my defense, however, I think that being direct is necessary when it comes to relationships.  Sure, you don’t want to hurt the other person, but sometimes you do.  Which is what I found.  I met some really nice guys who wanted more.  I met some guys who were playful and we had a good time together.  Where I’m going with this is around setting expectations.  Like I said, I’m extremely direct.  I also value honesty above almost everything else.  When I was dating, I would meet guys that would want to get to know me, and that was flattering for the most part.  But I could tell that these situations weren’t going to work out.  I could tell that they wanted a girlfriend, and I didn’t want to be a girlfriend.  So I would let them down gently, if I could.  Or as gently as I could, while still being direct.

friends with benefits

I have heard that people want the things they can’t have.  So I wonder if I became more attractive to these guys, because I didn’t want a relationship? I think I showed very little interest in them, or wanting to spend time with them.  And again, maybe that attracted them to me even more.  This makes me sound extremely cold, and honestly, I was trying to be that way.  But I did catch feelings a couple of times myself.  Once for all the wrong reasons.  And a second time because I had met a great guy.  The lesson I learned last summer, though, is that you can’t live like this forever.  So even if you want to be someone’s FWB, it’s not going to last forever.  Being a bachelor or bachelorette isn’t a life time goal.  It worked for me as an interim measure, but it also gave me the time to figure out what I wanted from a relationship.

I think that most people believe that women don’t want no strings attached sex.  If I were to poll some of my friends, I’d say that this statement is probably right.  Even a friend of mine who got out of a long term committed relationship doesn’t want that.  But for some reason, I did.  A lot of guys will also hear that and think it’s a trap.  One thing I will admit was that this phase of my life, found me attracted to younger guys.  Easy now, I wasn’t robbing the cradle.  But they were significantly younger than me. At the time, it bothered me, but a friend carefully pointed out that I was attracted to these men because of their lifestyle.  They didn’t have baggage.  They hadn’t lived and experienced things in a way that you do as you age.  Which made it so much easier to have FWB type situations.

Rather, I should call them no strings situations.  Friends with benefits implies a friendship.  I did have that once, but it kind of blew up in a very dramatic way.  I finally decided to enter into a relationship, and he felt like I was blowing up the friendship.  Which wasn’t true.  I had a lot of stuff going on, outside of relationships, and I didn’t have time to cultivate the friendship.  Had he been a true friend he would have checked in on me to see what was up.  But I digress.  The whole point of this article is to outline the fact that women sometimes want what men seem to have. Women sometimes want casual relationships.  I also want to ask the question of whether or not anyone has ever had a successful, long term FWB, relationship?  Or do they always end because someone gets into a relationship?  Tell me your thoughts on this topic as it’s kind of interesting to me.


By Staff Writer

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